coffee break, nine

writing fears and advice, a book for pride month, and the album of the summer

Dearest friend,

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about why I want to write. Why this desire is so intense that I often feel blinded by it, obscuring every other part of my life in a way that nothing else does, like staring straight into the eclipsed sun — a want and aversion, all at once. I wonder when this desire rooted itself in me. And when it blossomed into a fever. And maybe most importantly, why I can’t seem to bring myself to ever actually write.

I typically think of myself as a pretty decisive person. I almost always know what I want to eat, where I want to go, what I want to wear. But uncertainty bubbles to the surface when it counts. It’s a function of selective self-doubt, I suppose. A fear of making the wrong move, of saying and doing the wrong things. I try to always be careful about my intentions and motivations, and I want to make sure everything I do comes from an honest place, but this can often morph into overthinking, indecision, and then subsequently, procrastination. I don’t trust myself.

Years ago, my high school English teacher was encouraging me to write. He suggested that I begin by writing just for myself. Start a creative journal or personal blog. The idea immediately skewered me. Writing with no audience? How horrifying. And yet, at the same time, the thought of anyone reading my half-baked thoughts also fills me with dread. So then maybe part of this push/pull relationship I have with writing/not-writing comes also from a need to be seen, but on my own terms, in a way that is controlled, curated, and good enough.

This substack is one part of my attempt to tackle this anxiety head-on. Write for writing’s sake. Even if not many people read it. Even if it’s pure nonsense. Or pretentious. Or try-hard. Or just plain shitty. As long as it’s consistent. So, here are my words, straight from the source (my one brain cell). I hope that even if they are not good, they are enough. If not for you, then for me.

I am feeding myself. I am an earnest person trying.

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the library

Dinner on Monster Island is a memoir in essays that explores Tania de Rozario’s turbulent upbringing as a gay woman in Singapore. She parallels her life with the stories she loves from horror movies and television, examining her experiences with female rage and revenge, censorship, and religious repression. In dragging out Singapore’s more unseemly aspects, de Rozario’s writing becomes an act of political bravery and honesty, as well as a personal one. One of my favorite essays is “Becoming Monsters (Or How I Fell in Love with Sadako Yamamura,” in which de Rozario re-evaluates the figure of the monstrous vengeful woman (e.g. Sadako from The Ring, Kayako from The Grudge/Ju-on) and how she reflects our/society’s fears.

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the record player

//currently spinning//

Fun, spunky, and truly the perfect album of the summer. Chappell Roan brings it all in her debut album. The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess pulsates with drama and the heat of a hot July night when you’ve been out clubbing past midnight — skin sticky, face flushed, the beat echoing in your ears as you take the next imprudent shot of tequilla. Nothing matters beyond this one night. Kiss who you want! Text your ex! Cry in the club! But at some point, the lights have to come back on. At least let the good music keep playing when they do.

My favorite tracks:

• Femininomenon

• Red Wine Supernova

• Casual

• My Kink is Karma

• Naked in Manhattan

If you liked this album, check out these songs and artists as well:

• Nothing Matters - The Last Dinner Party

• This Hell - Rina Sawayama

• More Than a Friend - girli

• All Girls Go to Heaven - Zolita

• Good Looking - Suki Waterhouse

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the café

• I’m currently reading Bird by Bird by Annie Lamott, a memoir and guide on the writing life, written with marvelous tenderness, humor, and groundedness. One of its greatest pieces of advice is housed within the title: approach writing “bird by bird,” one step at a time.

• Gideon’s Army, a deeply moving documentary about the difficult and necessary work of public defenders.

• Delicious low FODMAP Bang Bang Chicken Rice Bowl recipe that I’m currently dying to make again for dinner soon. Here’s a Panko encrusted version that sounds incredible as well!

• Chappell Roan’s Tiny Desk concert has been a great noontime pleasure lately. Roan has such a stunning and outsized presence that it completely fills up this small space. It’s such a joy to watch her perform in an intimate setting like this, where her campy, dazzling persona seems so at home. And her speaking interludes — slightly awkward, deeply endearing — just adds to it all. Plus, this interview where she talks through her album.

• Why are Millennials Still Attached to American Girl Dolls? I grew up absolutely enamoured with the entire American Girl franchise, from the dolls to the books to the physical location itself (my local one being the Garden Grove branch in LA). This article balances a healthy criticism and understanding of nostalgia for girlhood.

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A poem for the road:

I Want to Write Something So Simply
Mary Oliver

I want to write something
so simply
about love
or about pain
that even
as you are reading
you feel it
and as you read
you keep feeling it
and though it be my story
it will be common,
though it be singular
it will be known to you
so that by the end
you will think—
no, you will realize—
that it was all the while
yourself arranging the words,
that it was all the time
words that you yourself,
out of your heart
had been saying.

We write to see and be seen, and we write to connect in deeper ways than we can by any other means. I hope someday I can write something so simply that you feel the words reverberate inside of your own chest. I hope our souls meet through words.

With the utmost of love,
Charlotte